Sports…

3 Feb

… your typical french élégante will definitely not be into them. We did ballet of course, and we do exhaust ourselves in the boudoir. But sports?

This is well, but assume that for some reason you would like to dress in a sports-inspired fashion. What would be that reason is beyond me, it would perhaps be related to some vascular incident having impaired most of your brain, or maybe you would have to display ostensible signs of your support for some sports-related cause in order to not lose a gazillion dollars contract… or anything of comparable plausibility.

What the SS11 collections could do for you? Don’t worry, Eliza has some answers.

First, we obviously eliminate anything that qualify as actual sports clothing. Being less crazy than the proverbial bat, we don’t want to look like we do sports. So exit Lacoste, Y-3 and the like. We just want to look good in a sporty way of sorts. Now the problem will be one of relevance. Those sports people have specific attires according to their activities. I know we know nothing about these things but I did my homework to provide you with some hopefully useful tips.

Let us begin with some really hot outfits, gesturing vaguely in the general direction of sports. Akris for instance does this:

For the sporty girl

and this is also suitable:

Athletic cool

Or, on a somewhat more abstract level, you have Céline:

It's all in the belt

The following would be just perfect to go on an African raid in order to exterminate some wildlife:

Hunter chic

Notice the clever disguise: your hair will look exactly like a random bit of the bush. If you want to scare the game to death instead of having to shoot them, try this:

Gazelle Terminator

If you miss, you say ‘I’ll be back’ with an Austrian accent. And since Dame Westwood herself explicitly sided the gun crazy crowd, claiming that “bullet points are a good way of setting out your ideas”, you would probably do your shooting just as well in this understated rough-classy look:

Careful not to stain yourself with gun oil

Dsquared²  has what it takes to face tennis-oriented social life. Look at this delicious dress:

Matchpoint

Marvel at the astuteness of Dean and Dan, who thought that you may have to attend a sporting soirée: don’t fear the contradiction, art has few in common with logic (in spite of the tragic attempts of poor David Delfin to sound smart). Look:

Athletic Grand Soir

I just wonder if you need thighs like this to make it work. Anna Selezneva really looks like she just won a triathlon. Notice also what the ManRepeller would call Birth Control Glasses, for obvious reasons. Also useful to avoid getting hit in the eye by the ball.

Or maybe you need to look nautical. You are lucky, then: it’s a trend. Everybody and her sister is doing nautical stuff. (Of course, since high heels are not welcome on most boats, we would never set a foot on most boats).

Jil Sander's cute idea about marine dresses

For instance, you have the whole Watanabe collection, which I find oscillating between unappealing and ugly, even if some pieces are very good indeed. We will (as a matter of course) forget about the sorry excuses of shoes, and everything about hairdo and hats.

Coolest vareuse ever

For a long walk on the Mediterranean shores of the Riviera, a mildly warm December afternoon, that will end having some Italian wine with sailor friends, this is what you want to wear (NOT with this head NOR with this shoes, god forbid):

Sweet winter's look

But in general, for nautical outfits, you would certainly prefer to go with Tsumori Chisato, who really knows how to rock a boat.

Supreme Sailor Hotness

A nautical dress you really would wear

Now when the world as we know it will have come to its end, and you’ll be forced to find your own food, looking for crabs under the rocks of Jersey’s shores, that’s what you’ll want to wear. The shoes already look like Wellingtons.

Vanessa Bruno goes for crabs

If you had to tune in to attend some fencing event, you would probably do well in these T by Alexander Wang nice outfits:

This would do for modern sabre

Prefer this with Renaissance-style warriors (or maybe on a boat?)

Such fencing styles lead us naturally to the following consideration. If by some direct intervention of some evil daemon you operate under the delusion that a sporty look is somewhat androgynous, fashion can still do something for you. I think that Isabelle Marant is kind of helpful here:

Suave tomboy

Or you could have outerspace androgynous:

Issey Miyake does scifi sporty

When motors are involved, I recommend this Sonya Rykiel proposition:

Hot on wheels

which will still kill at a hundred yards with knee-high boots, a leather jacket and a helmet.

And I saved the best for the end. Which is good, of course. You may or may not know about rugby. If not you should: it involves men of the ruggedest sort. One of the idiosyncrasies of that sport is what we call in France the “troisième mi-temps” or third half. The half in which everybody drinks himself senseless. Should you attend such an event, I suggest this wonderful outfit. Expect the night to be a lifetime memory.

Isabelle Marant for a rugby night

(All the pictures of this post come from style.com)

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4 Responses to “Sports…”

  1. aurumgirl February 3, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    That unfortunate first model in the Jill Sander marine dress looks like a mime with an egregiously oversized ass. I like the idea of the dress (and believe me, I will twist it until it suits me), but the execution ne marche pas.

  2. Miss Eliza Wharton February 3, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

    Oh, miss Aurum, that’s exactly what I thought: she looks like a mime.
    If you go to the RTW SS11 pages of style.com (there: http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/slideshow/S2011RTW-JLSANDER?event=show2182&designer=design_house243&trend=&iphoto=14#slide=14) you can watch it move. It’s bizarre, but I find oddly attractive somewhere between not working at all and very sensual. You don’t wear anything under a dress like that.
    I perfectly picture myself wandering around, taking tea early in the morning, generally looking good in this dress.
    In a place like that: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3114/2448407555_1ef2d91925_z.jpg?zz=1

  3. diane bronstein February 5, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    The Akris outfit is the only one I would begin to consider… the rest …never

  4. Miss Eliza Wharton February 5, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

    I’m curious… is it just because you find them plain ugly, or you’re allergic to anything sport-related?
    I love some of these clothes. The Watanabe and the Tsumori, the Galliano outfit also. But you’re right, the Akris stands out. The first picture was the one that triggered the whole idea for this post.

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